Saturday, May 1, 2010

10w,2d

I feel good. I don't feel pregnant. I keep reliving that moment in 2007 when OB kept saying, "I don't think I have good news." First OB appointment is Tuesday and I'm scared shitless. Again.

I want to hear that heartbeat on the damn doppler already. Can't find it yet? Why? Because the baby is dead or it's just too early? I really hope I'm just crazy.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

9w5d

It was exactly at 9 weeks and 5 days that we found out our first baby had died. Oct 3, 2007... was the worst day of my life. I am officially 9 weeks and 5 days today. I'm hoping to make it through the appointment tomorrow and we see our baby's heartbeat going strong. These weekly waits are intolerable.

Friday, April 16, 2010

He was wrong

One dead baby. One live baby doing well. Both babies measured at about 8 weeks but only one heartbeat. I had wished prayed that I was wrong... this time, I hate being right.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Third sono and scared to death

The first sono went well two weeks ago when we saw one strong heartbeat, and then last week we saw two heartbeats! I felt the whole week that we would see two, but I was afraid to acknowledge it at all. When I was right, I was over the moon. This week, I feel as if we've lost one, and I'm afraid to admit that too. I desperately want both babies but I can't shake this feeling. MTB, on the other hand, is convinced that both babies are fine and growing strong. We'll see - third sono tomorrow at 9:30.

I hope like hell he's right.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Scared

I should be getting the first sonogram tomorrow at exactly 6 weeks. ARB fell down and hurt herself again tonight and the only appointment I could get with the pediatrician is 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment w RE. Maybe I can get the sono earlier or maybe we can push it a few hours. In the meantime, I am scared out of my mind that this didn't work and our baby has failed to thrive. Why does this have to be so hard?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The nerves are getting to me

It's been 3 weeks since transfer, and I feel fine, which scares the crap out of me. The second beta was good - 170 at 15dpo. On Monday, I had a minor freak-out and asked to come in early for the third beta. It was 532 at 18dpo. But I feel great except for this cold I've been fighting. I'm not cramping or feeling anything except a few sharp pains just above the pelvic bone. Yeah, I am scared. Fourth beta is on Friday. Why do I not feel happier about this?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Luck o' the Irish

It's positive!!!! I've been taking home pregnancy tests for a few days, and I've been watching them get darker and darker. Today's beta was 71!! I'm pregnant!!!!!

WooHoo!!!!!!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

6dp5dt

Wednesday cannot get here quick enough. 'Nuff said.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The meltdown commences

I had so many positive feelings immediately following ET. Not necessarily that this would have a positive outcome but that I would be okay regardless of the outcome. Today, my mother in law left and bed rest is officially over. I am alone in the house with ARB and I can't stop wanting to hold her. I just want to hang on for fear that she will be taken away.

After transfer for IVF#1, I felt a somewhat depressed as if I had lost control of the situation. Throughout the stim phase, I could see progress and I knew we could change the meds to make things happen more quickly or more slowly and that gave me some feeling of control. I know in reality, I had no control over the situation, but at least I *felt* in control. Same thing this time only it feels worse probably because this is our last best chance... at least for the foreseeable future. Wednesday can't get here fast enough.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Transfer

Not-so-random bit: We did it. We transferred 2 good looking blasts and 1 morula yesterday and it's all over. Regardless of the outcome, this will likely be our last attempt at another child using ART. It's too hard. The meds are too much to handle. I've been doing this to my body for 7 straight months, and I just don't think I can take anymore. Not to mention the cost.

Random bit: When we spoke to the embryologist on Sunday, he stressed how important a full bladder is to the process. Perhaps he over-stressed the importance of a full bladder because I almost felt as if he were blaming me for the FET failure. Well, not to disappoint, I showed up yesterday with 32 ounces of water hitting my bladder only to find that RE was running about an hour late. Nice. By the time we got into it and the tech was mashing the sono wand into my bladder, I think I peed a little. Like right there with the speculum and everything. Ugh!

Random bit: I asked MTB to back off all the we-must-have-another-baby talk. That's a lot of pressure for one woman to take. Over the past few months as the realization that failure is a real possibility set in, I've suggested that ARB may be an only child. I've not said it often, but every time I start down that path, MTB is quick to reassure me that we were meant to have more kids. While it is nice that he has such faith, it's a ton of pressure and unimaginable guilt when a cycle doesn't work out. I think he gets it now. The paradigm shift seems to be working for my psyche so far, but I suspect I'll be a huge blubbering mess by next week.

Random bit: Beta is in 1 week. No plans to pee on a stick. I always say that, but I really feel it this time. We will see how far I make it.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

And the waiting continues

We got the call this morning. I was in the shower when MTB came in with the phone. I kinda expected him to just take the call and fill me in, but this worked out too. I guess he just didn't want to be solely responsible for asking the right questions.

The embryologist is the one who called, and he started off by saying, "you have 1, 6 celled....." My heart sank. Literally. Then he continued. As of this morning, we also have 8, 7 celled and 3, 8 celled embryos, and the embryologist suggested that they all look to be very good right now. He and RE concur that it's a good idea to hold out for a 5 day transfer. I thought that we should expect them to be 8 cells at this point, so the 7 celled embryos scared me. The embryologist suggested that 7 cells is very good for day 3 and it's even better than a 10 celled embryo since he doesn't want them to grow too fast.

I'm scared as hell that we won't get a baby out of this deal, but I'm trying to stay positive. Transfer is scheduled for Tuesday about noon-ish. In the meantime, I wait.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Waiting

The waiting really is the hardest part of any cycle. Right now, we just wait to see what happened to our 12 little embryos. If I had to guess, I would say that we will probably get the 3dt tomorrow. The next 15 hours will be the longest ever... at least since the last time we did this.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Fert report

As of this morning, we had 12 embryos starting out a journey to life. It seems that an additional egg matured in culture and that one plus all the original 11 fertilized. I'm not done holding my breath just yet, as it seems that we always have a good fertilization rate especially given our RE does ICSI 100% of the time. I guess it's to be expected that they would all fertilize. I have no idea. He has, however, thrown me a curve ball I was not expecting - he wants to do a 5 day transfer. I questioned him on this today, and he actually used the word "positive" when talking about our chances of success (just to be clear - he's hopeful rather than positive of a given outcome). He said that looking at the eggs, he feels they are a good quality and he feels very good about our chances of actually getting a baby out of this deal. I know enough to know that means very little in terms of real outcome, but whatever. I'll take his positive vibes and run like hell.

RE gave me a hard time about yesterday. He even called me an emotional wreck! I don't deny it. He told me several things that I have absolutely memory of... for example, he said that I was talking gibbersih in the OR before I fell asleep. I remember him talking with me, but I don't remember saying anything. He said that once I was back in day-surgery, I was complaining that I couldn't breath, which scared MTB. He even said that someone turned on some music to help calm me. I have no idea what he's talking about there. And finally, he said that I heard his voice, and sat straight up in bed and demanded to know, "How many did we get?!" Yeah, none of that rings a bell.

So there, we have 12 babies growing somewhere in a lab across town. I hope they are warm and cozy and planning all the different ways they will give me even more grey hairs when they are teenagers.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Retrieval

Retrieval was this morning. I was scared out of my mind and I didn't sleep for crap last night. I was awake when the alarm went off at 4:20. We arrived at the hospital as the admitting people were arriving. I was admitted, I changed, they inserted the IV and we were off the races. They wheeled me into the OR, and someone tried to explain where to lay on the table. I interrupted them and said, "Put my butt just above the hole in the table. Yeah, I've done this before." RE knew I was stressed, and he actually came over to talk with me, about nothing really, until I fell asleep. That was sweet of him. They started the sedation, and next thing I know it was all over.

I woke up in the day-surgery recovery room with MTB, RE, the anesthesiologist, and a couple of nurses. I was shaking and stressing. All in all, we got 19 eggs of which 11 were mature. I just need a couple of good ones to make to transfer and beyond.

The embryologist came in and told MTB that he had a choice. He could go up to the lab to do the deed, or he could try in the privacy of the attached bathroom in my room. Apparently, there were 4 or 5 guys waiting in line to use the facilities upstairs in the lab so MTB opted for my room. Just like IVF#1 except then he didn't have a choice.

I go in for a sono in the morning at 9:45.

I'm currently bloated, cramping and on my second Vicodin.

I hope the fert report tomorrow is good.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Follie check #5

Trigger tonight. Sono showed 13 mature follicles and I'll be waiting on pins and needles for the E2 from this morning. It's a little low compared to prior cycles and lower than the suggested 150-200 units per mature follicle so I don't expect that we will end up with 13 or more mature eggs at retrieval. I am still hopeful this will all work out for us.

There was fluid in my uterus, and the nurse said it wouldn't cause any problems in terms of retrieval or egg quality, but it does suggest the beginning of overstimulation. I'm to start on the water asap and increase my intake of protein to help prevent any real problems post retrieval. It was miserable with IVF#1, so I hope to avoid it this time around.

ETA: E2 this morning was 1232. I guess it went up, but still no where near my E2 at trigger for IVF#1 or #2. I'm trying to stay positive.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Follie check #4

Sono showed 10 mature follicles and E2 was just under 1000 (I forgot the actual number but it was something like 987). Meds stayed the same.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Follie check #3

Today's sono showed about 8 follies between 11-13mm on the right and about 7 on the left about the same size. E2 is 357, and RE is okay with the numbers. Meds go back to 3 Bravelle in the morning and 2 Bravele + 1 Menopur in the evening and Lupron stays at 2.5 units per day. Looks like retrieval is still planned (more or less) for Thursday. Fun times.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Follie check #2

Doesn't sound good to me, but the nurse is staying positive. E2 was only 106 and I have about 8 good size follies and few smaller ones growing. No change in the meds. I wish this were easier.

Last night as MTB and I talked, I mentioned the idea that this might not work and that ARB might end up an only child. That made me cry, but at the same time, I wanted to talk about the fact that she's getting a little older so maybe it will be easier to travel and show her the world. MTB wasn't interested in hearing any of it. It wasn't the plan, but she may just grow up all alone. I don't think either of us want to deal with that possibility.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Follie check #1

I went in yesterday for the first follie check, and it looks like an okay crop growing in there with between 4 and 6 follies growing on each side. My E2 last Thursday was 15, so the nurse explained that an E2 in the 50's would be expected. It was 55. I hope we have at least a few good ones in there and a few others just to make me feel good. No change in my meds which include 3 Bravelle/Lupron AM and 2 Bravelle/1 Menopur PM in addition to Dexamethasone and prenatal vitamins. Another follie check tomorrow.

On another note, my blood pressure was sky high when I went in for the aspiration last Friday so I called my PCP for an appointment. Long story short - I'm back on Labetalol twice a day. It might help w the headaches as well. I'm hopeful.

I'm hopeful everything works this time around.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Is this right?

I'm taking Bravelle this time rather than Follistim. While Follistim has an easy, peasy pen, Bravelle has vials that I must mix using a Q cap. Whatever. Using the Q cap leaves a little of the fluid in each vial, and it drives me crazy thinking that I'm not getting a full dose. I think with this evening's injection, I'll being using the needle to draw up the fluid and just skip the Q cap altogether. Just grow, follies, grow!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Another day, another cycle

The cyst did not go away as hoped. It was still there at yesterday's sono. Although my estrogen was *only* 15, RE wanted to aspirate anyway since he didn't want anything to get in the way of the stims and my ovaries. MTB had planned to be out of town, only an hour away but out of town nonetheless, to call on a couple of practices. He's been pretty stressed since bringing on a new employee. Luckily for us, his parents were driving through town to attend a function in San Antonio, and they stayed the night last night. Mother-in-law stayed home w ARB and Father-in-law drove me to the hospital for the procedure. We arrived, I went under, woke up and headed home less than 3 hours later. Within the hour, they continued their journey and it was just me and ARB alone again.

This is really starting to get to me, and I wish this loneliness would just go away. For IVF#1, MTB was right there every single step of the way, but with each subsequent procedure, he becomes less and less involved. I know it's partly just a function of him being the sole bread winner and self-employed, but still, I am selfish and need him to be around to hold my hand. This sucks.

Oh yeah, yesterday was cycle day 1 and officially the beginning of our third IVF. I still wonder how in the hell I got here.

Stims start Sunday.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Waiting

I took my last birth control pill yesterday, so I'm just waiting for cycle day 1 to see if the cyst is gone. RE suggested that if it's not, he will aspirate before I start stims next Sunday. Who knows what that means. I have a sono on Wednesday to make sure it's gone.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Really?

Last week, a fellow infertile started a new blog anonymously, and the topic was the matter of another kid. She had twins a month before ARB was born, and while she was seriously thinking about having another, her DH was perhaps not so much. I let her in on my own dirty little secret about IVF#2 and the FET as I am currently craving some companionship throughout this journey. I get home today and find a post announcing her spontaneous pregnancy.

The universe is seriously fucking with me right now.

I am happy for her. Really. Very, very happy.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Really? All you had to do was have sex once and you got pregnant?

I am so tired of reading the stories of the January 2009 mommies who have no idea when the ovulated and they only had sex once a few weeks ago, but then they just didn't feel normal. So they took a home pregnancy test, and guess what? They are pregnant! Wow!

I'm sick of it. Really. Just keep your pathetic glass of wine and sex stories to yourself.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Cry, cry, cry

This is more or less the end of the 5th month I've been taking something or another trying to make this whole ART thing work. All the hormones are making me crazy. Very, very crazy. I can't believe I am already on the verge of IVF#3. How did this happen? Seriously? The thought of having done this 3 times is a little scary. Add in a little FET and this is ridiculous. The thought that ARB could be an only child is really starting to get to me. I know that MTB and I won't be around forever, and the thought that she could end up completely alone in the world saddens me. A lot.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Here we go again (again)

I got my calendar and protocol. It looks everything is the same but I'll be taking Bravelle instead of Follistim, which isn't a biggie. Also, RE added Parlodel to the mix. Dr. Internet says that it's for Parkinson's but it can also be used to treat high prolactin levels which can lead to difficulty in getting pregnant. I wonder what my prolactin levels are? New timeline to the right...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

FET timeline

Had to save this somewhere.

*Nov 18 - Start birth control pills
*Nov - IVF#2 follow-up and sono - (I have several small cysts on the right and none on the left. We are good to go w FET.)
*Dec 7 - Sono and start Lupron 20 units per day
*Dec 14 - Last birth control pill
*Dec 20 - Possibly start estrogen and drop Lupron to 10 units per day
*Dec 21 - Start Dexamethasone
*Dec 28 - Sono
*Jan 4 - Sono and labwork - possibly stop estrogen and start progesterone depending on lining (E2 = 124, Lining 12.7mm)
*Jan 7 - Thaw 10 frozen embryos and allow to grow to 5 day blasts
*Jan 9 - Expected FET (bed rest x 4 days)
*Jan 13 - Labwork
*Jan 18 - Beta #1 - 13 (positive but too low)
*Jan 20 - Beta #2 - officially negative

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What next?

The second beta was officially negative. Given that the first was only 13,I wonder if that couldn't have been the hCG booster I took after the transfer? I suppose it's possible. I guess that will improve RE's stats, but it sure doesn't help make ARB a big sister.

At the moment, we are thinking that we will move right into another fresh cycle and hope that this time it works. We are so fortunate that ARB hung on tight and we have the sweetest little girl. She melts my heart and makes it impossible to stay sad. Monday evening, as we sat on the floor together, she hugged me dozens of times. Later when MTB came home early, she actually took her first real steps. She is amazing and she is the reason that I am able to process this loss so quickly.

Last night as I lay in bed, I remembered the day that we found out our first baby had died. I remember feeling numb and in a complete daze the rest of the day. MTB made me leave the house in the afternoon and we went to feed the ducks at the lake. I remember feeling as if I were looking at a shell of myself - no real life - just hollow. Would I rather this baby hang on for 10 weeks before deciding it's genetic material wasn't sufficient? No way. Am I glad I know today that this baby wasn't viable. I think so. Does that make me a bad person?

Monday, January 18, 2010

Beta is 13

Not good and nuff said.

3:48

And the nurse still hasn't called. This is not fair.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Can it be true?

Last night, MTB came home with a fresh package of FRERs, and I decided that I should not try to pee again. This morning, I made it until 11 am before caving for real. I peed, I dunked, and I waited. Two minutes I waited, and there it was.... a perfect, pink, second line. Amazing! ARB is going to be a big sister!!! I can't wait for the beta tomorrow. I hope it's good, and I hope it doubles. I hope the sono is good, and I hope all is well, and we see this baby in mid-September. Holy cow - it's positive!!!!!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Still waiting

I am now 7dp5dt, and I actually caved and wanted to test. MTB agreed and provided the previously hidden pee sticks. I peed. I dunked (because I always pee in a cup and then dunk the stick - sorry TMI). And waited. I was using a digital FRER and it was supposed to start blinking when it started working, but no blinking. We waited and then it went blank. I looked at the package, and noted that it actually expired in November 2009. Damn! I had a huge stash of pee sticks left over from my first IVF, and I used all but this last box in connection with the failed IVF last fall. Who would have thought that it would have expired so quickly. I dunked the second pee stick just to see if it might work and I got a "?" instead of a blank screen, but it was still a bad test. MTB picked up a couple of fresh pee sticks, but I decided not to test this evening. They are in the house and I might test in the morning, or I might stay with the plan to test Monday morning. I want to know, but I don't want to know anything I might not like.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

4dp5dt

I had no idea I was so far along until one of the ladies on my FET board mentioned it, but here I am - 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I never thought I would do a 5 day transfer so it seems strange to be so far along already. I have not caved to the pee stick yet, and I don't intend to. For the failed IVF last fall, I spent a fortune on pee sticks - and not the cheap ones either. I was literally pissing away $10-15 a day looking for a hint of a second line that never bothered to show up. I haven't even considered testing this time around and I feel so much better for it.

The beta is scheduled for Monday, and just 5 short days from now, we will know one way or another. The current plan is go in for the blood draw, then come home and take a home pregnancy test so we won't be blindsided by the nurse's call. She's nice, but rather clueless when it comes to giving the news. So here we are... 4dp5dt.

Monday, January 11, 2010

FET complete

As a result of the failed IVF last fall, we had 10, 3 day embryos frozen and waiting for the change at life. Late last week, we thawed all 10 and allowed them to grow to day 5. Eight survived the thaw, and on Saturday, 4 were still growing. We had one, superstar textbook blast that was already starting to hatch, two early blasts that the embryologist was unable to rate, and 1 poor looking morula. After much debate, MTB and I decided to transfer all three of the blasts, and the morula didn't make it.

My mother came in late Friday afternoon to help take care of Adele, which was a real blessing. She is so good with Adele, and Adele loves playing with her grandma. My mother did way to much work and instead of just taking care of Adele she did all the laundry in addition to cooking for us. It was sooo nice to have all that laundry done.

For the first time, I had acupuncture treatments before (actually Friday evening) and following the transfer. I'm hopeful that we have a baby growing in there.

Beta is Monday, Jan 18.

I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.

The plan is to take a home pregnancy test on Monday after the blood draw but before we get the phone call.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Good, good vibrations

The embryos are on the move again. Eight of the ten survived the thaw and are growing. We won't know until tomorrow if we actually have any to transfer, which is currently scheduled for 12:30. Hoping we have some to transfer and hoping it works this time around.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

We are go for pseudo-O

So Monday's sono revealed a nice thick lining of about 12.4mm, but the blood work came back a little iffy. My estrogen levels are only 123, so RE has added an oral estrace pill in addition to the 4 patches. I tried to find information regarding E2 levels in connection with an FET, and found some RE's prefer E2 levels to be higher than 200 (according to several ladies on several boards - gotta love Google). I also found a study that concluded E2 levels are not an important consideration in terms of pregnancy rates. That gave me a little comfort until I continued reading and noticed spelling errors in the paper. Hmmm...

I had asked RE's new nurse about the E2 levels, but she didn't sound too convincing as she said, "Uhm, I think..." about 10 times during a 3 minute conversation. She mentioned that the lining is more important than the E2 levels, so I *think* I might be okay.

Regardless of the E2 levels, Monday is considered pseudo-ovulation. I didn't actually ovulate, but the meds simulate ovulation. I stopped Lupron (thank you, Lord!) and started progesterone shots... same old pain in the ass.

One more twist to this medicated journey - I'll be on Lovenox this time around. In my online research, I could only find that Lovenox is prescribed for women with clotting disorders. I asked Nurse about this as well, and she flat out said that she didn't know. MTB talked w RE and was told that this addition to the protocol is based on several studies that show an increase in pregnancy rates for women whom have a failed IVF. I have no idea if I would be on this for the duration of a possible pregnancy or just through the first couple of weeks/months.

FET is scheduled for Saturday at noon. I think they will thaw our babies within the next day or two, but Nurse suggested that we probably won't get any updates (if any at all) until Friday. I hope this works and we get some blasts to transfer. I'll go in for acupuncture on Friday evening, and Teri has agreed to see me again on Saturday following the transfer. I need to start listening to my IVF/FET relaxation meditations immediately.

Please let this work.