Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Scared

I should be getting the first sonogram tomorrow at exactly 6 weeks. ARB fell down and hurt herself again tonight and the only appointment I could get with the pediatrician is 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment w RE. Maybe I can get the sono earlier or maybe we can push it a few hours. In the meantime, I am scared out of my mind that this didn't work and our baby has failed to thrive. Why does this have to be so hard?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The nerves are getting to me

It's been 3 weeks since transfer, and I feel fine, which scares the crap out of me. The second beta was good - 170 at 15dpo. On Monday, I had a minor freak-out and asked to come in early for the third beta. It was 532 at 18dpo. But I feel great except for this cold I've been fighting. I'm not cramping or feeling anything except a few sharp pains just above the pelvic bone. Yeah, I am scared. Fourth beta is on Friday. Why do I not feel happier about this?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Luck o' the Irish

It's positive!!!! I've been taking home pregnancy tests for a few days, and I've been watching them get darker and darker. Today's beta was 71!! I'm pregnant!!!!!

WooHoo!!!!!!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

6dp5dt

Wednesday cannot get here quick enough. 'Nuff said.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The meltdown commences

I had so many positive feelings immediately following ET. Not necessarily that this would have a positive outcome but that I would be okay regardless of the outcome. Today, my mother in law left and bed rest is officially over. I am alone in the house with ARB and I can't stop wanting to hold her. I just want to hang on for fear that she will be taken away.

After transfer for IVF#1, I felt a somewhat depressed as if I had lost control of the situation. Throughout the stim phase, I could see progress and I knew we could change the meds to make things happen more quickly or more slowly and that gave me some feeling of control. I know in reality, I had no control over the situation, but at least I *felt* in control. Same thing this time only it feels worse probably because this is our last best chance... at least for the foreseeable future. Wednesday can't get here fast enough.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Transfer

Not-so-random bit: We did it. We transferred 2 good looking blasts and 1 morula yesterday and it's all over. Regardless of the outcome, this will likely be our last attempt at another child using ART. It's too hard. The meds are too much to handle. I've been doing this to my body for 7 straight months, and I just don't think I can take anymore. Not to mention the cost.

Random bit: When we spoke to the embryologist on Sunday, he stressed how important a full bladder is to the process. Perhaps he over-stressed the importance of a full bladder because I almost felt as if he were blaming me for the FET failure. Well, not to disappoint, I showed up yesterday with 32 ounces of water hitting my bladder only to find that RE was running about an hour late. Nice. By the time we got into it and the tech was mashing the sono wand into my bladder, I think I peed a little. Like right there with the speculum and everything. Ugh!

Random bit: I asked MTB to back off all the we-must-have-another-baby talk. That's a lot of pressure for one woman to take. Over the past few months as the realization that failure is a real possibility set in, I've suggested that ARB may be an only child. I've not said it often, but every time I start down that path, MTB is quick to reassure me that we were meant to have more kids. While it is nice that he has such faith, it's a ton of pressure and unimaginable guilt when a cycle doesn't work out. I think he gets it now. The paradigm shift seems to be working for my psyche so far, but I suspect I'll be a huge blubbering mess by next week.

Random bit: Beta is in 1 week. No plans to pee on a stick. I always say that, but I really feel it this time. We will see how far I make it.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

And the waiting continues

We got the call this morning. I was in the shower when MTB came in with the phone. I kinda expected him to just take the call and fill me in, but this worked out too. I guess he just didn't want to be solely responsible for asking the right questions.

The embryologist is the one who called, and he started off by saying, "you have 1, 6 celled....." My heart sank. Literally. Then he continued. As of this morning, we also have 8, 7 celled and 3, 8 celled embryos, and the embryologist suggested that they all look to be very good right now. He and RE concur that it's a good idea to hold out for a 5 day transfer. I thought that we should expect them to be 8 cells at this point, so the 7 celled embryos scared me. The embryologist suggested that 7 cells is very good for day 3 and it's even better than a 10 celled embryo since he doesn't want them to grow too fast.

I'm scared as hell that we won't get a baby out of this deal, but I'm trying to stay positive. Transfer is scheduled for Tuesday about noon-ish. In the meantime, I wait.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Waiting

The waiting really is the hardest part of any cycle. Right now, we just wait to see what happened to our 12 little embryos. If I had to guess, I would say that we will probably get the 3dt tomorrow. The next 15 hours will be the longest ever... at least since the last time we did this.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Fert report

As of this morning, we had 12 embryos starting out a journey to life. It seems that an additional egg matured in culture and that one plus all the original 11 fertilized. I'm not done holding my breath just yet, as it seems that we always have a good fertilization rate especially given our RE does ICSI 100% of the time. I guess it's to be expected that they would all fertilize. I have no idea. He has, however, thrown me a curve ball I was not expecting - he wants to do a 5 day transfer. I questioned him on this today, and he actually used the word "positive" when talking about our chances of success (just to be clear - he's hopeful rather than positive of a given outcome). He said that looking at the eggs, he feels they are a good quality and he feels very good about our chances of actually getting a baby out of this deal. I know enough to know that means very little in terms of real outcome, but whatever. I'll take his positive vibes and run like hell.

RE gave me a hard time about yesterday. He even called me an emotional wreck! I don't deny it. He told me several things that I have absolutely memory of... for example, he said that I was talking gibbersih in the OR before I fell asleep. I remember him talking with me, but I don't remember saying anything. He said that once I was back in day-surgery, I was complaining that I couldn't breath, which scared MTB. He even said that someone turned on some music to help calm me. I have no idea what he's talking about there. And finally, he said that I heard his voice, and sat straight up in bed and demanded to know, "How many did we get?!" Yeah, none of that rings a bell.

So there, we have 12 babies growing somewhere in a lab across town. I hope they are warm and cozy and planning all the different ways they will give me even more grey hairs when they are teenagers.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Retrieval

Retrieval was this morning. I was scared out of my mind and I didn't sleep for crap last night. I was awake when the alarm went off at 4:20. We arrived at the hospital as the admitting people were arriving. I was admitted, I changed, they inserted the IV and we were off the races. They wheeled me into the OR, and someone tried to explain where to lay on the table. I interrupted them and said, "Put my butt just above the hole in the table. Yeah, I've done this before." RE knew I was stressed, and he actually came over to talk with me, about nothing really, until I fell asleep. That was sweet of him. They started the sedation, and next thing I know it was all over.

I woke up in the day-surgery recovery room with MTB, RE, the anesthesiologist, and a couple of nurses. I was shaking and stressing. All in all, we got 19 eggs of which 11 were mature. I just need a couple of good ones to make to transfer and beyond.

The embryologist came in and told MTB that he had a choice. He could go up to the lab to do the deed, or he could try in the privacy of the attached bathroom in my room. Apparently, there were 4 or 5 guys waiting in line to use the facilities upstairs in the lab so MTB opted for my room. Just like IVF#1 except then he didn't have a choice.

I go in for a sono in the morning at 9:45.

I'm currently bloated, cramping and on my second Vicodin.

I hope the fert report tomorrow is good.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Follie check #5

Trigger tonight. Sono showed 13 mature follicles and I'll be waiting on pins and needles for the E2 from this morning. It's a little low compared to prior cycles and lower than the suggested 150-200 units per mature follicle so I don't expect that we will end up with 13 or more mature eggs at retrieval. I am still hopeful this will all work out for us.

There was fluid in my uterus, and the nurse said it wouldn't cause any problems in terms of retrieval or egg quality, but it does suggest the beginning of overstimulation. I'm to start on the water asap and increase my intake of protein to help prevent any real problems post retrieval. It was miserable with IVF#1, so I hope to avoid it this time around.

ETA: E2 this morning was 1232. I guess it went up, but still no where near my E2 at trigger for IVF#1 or #2. I'm trying to stay positive.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Follie check #4

Sono showed 10 mature follicles and E2 was just under 1000 (I forgot the actual number but it was something like 987). Meds stayed the same.