10w,2d

I feel good. I don't feel pregnant. I keep reliving that moment in 2007 when OB kept saying, "I don't think I have good news." First OB appointment is Tuesday and I'm scared shitless. Again.

I want to hear that heartbeat on the damn doppler already. Can't find it yet? Why? Because the baby is dead or it's just too early? I really hope I'm just crazy.

9w5d

It was exactly at 9 weeks and 5 days that we found out our first baby had died. Oct 3, 2007... was the worst day of my life. I am officially 9 weeks and 5 days today. I'm hoping to make it through the appointment tomorrow and we see our baby's heartbeat going strong. These weekly waits are intolerable.

He was wrong

One dead baby. One live baby doing well. Both babies measured at about 8 weeks but only one heartbeat. I had wished prayed that I was wrong... this time, I hate being right.

Third sono and scared to death

The first sono went well two weeks ago when we saw one strong heartbeat, and then last week we saw two heartbeats! I felt the whole week that we would see two, but I was afraid to acknowledge it at all. When I was right, I was over the moon. This week, I feel as if we've lost one, and I'm afraid to admit that too. I desperately want both babies but I can't shake this feeling. MTB, on the other hand, is convinced that both babies are fine and growing strong. We'll see - third sono tomorrow at 9:30.

I hope like hell he's right.

Scared

I should be getting the first sonogram tomorrow at exactly 6 weeks. ARB fell down and hurt herself again tonight and the only appointment I could get with the pediatrician is 15 minutes before my scheduled appointment w RE. Maybe I can get the sono earlier or maybe we can push it a few hours. In the meantime, I am scared out of my mind that this didn't work and our baby has failed to thrive. Why does this have to be so hard?

The nerves are getting to me

It's been 3 weeks since transfer, and I feel fine, which scares the crap out of me. The second beta was good - 170 at 15dpo. On Monday, I had a minor freak-out and asked to come in early for the third beta. It was 532 at 18dpo. But I feel great except for this cold I've been fighting. I'm not cramping or feeling anything except a few sharp pains just above the pelvic bone. Yeah, I am scared. Fourth beta is on Friday. Why do I not feel happier about this?

Luck o' the Irish

It's positive!!!! I've been taking home pregnancy tests for a few days, and I've been watching them get darker and darker. Today's beta was 71!! I'm pregnant!!!!!

WooHoo!!!!!!!

6dp5dt

Wednesday cannot get here quick enough. 'Nuff said.

The meltdown commences

I had so many positive feelings immediately following ET. Not necessarily that this would have a positive outcome but that I would be okay regardless of the outcome. Today, my mother in law left and bed rest is officially over. I am alone in the house with ARB and I can't stop wanting to hold her. I just want to hang on for fear that she will be taken away.

After transfer for IVF#1, I felt a somewhat depressed as if I had lost control of the situation. Throughout the stim phase, I could see progress and I knew we could change the meds to make things happen more quickly or more slowly and that gave me some feeling of control. I know in reality, I had no control over the situation, but at least I *felt* in control. Same thing this time only it feels worse probably because this is our last best chance... at least for the foreseeable future. Wednesday can't get here fast enough.

Transfer

Not-so-random bit: We did it. We transferred 2 good looking blasts and 1 morula yesterday and it's all over. Regardless of the outcome, this will likely be our last attempt at another child using ART. It's too hard. The meds are too much to handle. I've been doing this to my body for 7 straight months, and I just don't think I can take anymore. Not to mention the cost.

Random bit: When we spoke to the embryologist on Sunday, he stressed how important a full bladder is to the process. Perhaps he over-stressed the importance of a full bladder because I almost felt as if he were blaming me for the FET failure. Well, not to disappoint, I showed up yesterday with 32 ounces of water hitting my bladder only to find that RE was running about an hour late. Nice. By the time we got into it and the tech was mashing the sono wand into my bladder, I think I peed a little. Like right there with the speculum and everything. Ugh!

Random bit: I asked MTB to back off all the we-must-have-another-baby talk. That's a lot of pressure for one woman to take. Over the past few months as the realization that failure is a real possibility set in, I've suggested that ARB may be an only child. I've not said it often, but every time I start down that path, MTB is quick to reassure me that we were meant to have more kids. While it is nice that he has such faith, it's a ton of pressure and unimaginable guilt when a cycle doesn't work out. I think he gets it now. The paradigm shift seems to be working for my psyche so far, but I suspect I'll be a huge blubbering mess by next week.

Random bit: Beta is in 1 week. No plans to pee on a stick. I always say that, but I really feel it this time. We will see how far I make it.

And the waiting continues

We got the call this morning. I was in the shower when MTB came in with the phone. I kinda expected him to just take the call and fill me in, but this worked out too. I guess he just didn't want to be solely responsible for asking the right questions.

The embryologist is the one who called, and he started off by saying, "you have 1, 6 celled....." My heart sank. Literally. Then he continued. As of this morning, we also have 8, 7 celled and 3, 8 celled embryos, and the embryologist suggested that they all look to be very good right now. He and RE concur that it's a good idea to hold out for a 5 day transfer. I thought that we should expect them to be 8 cells at this point, so the 7 celled embryos scared me. The embryologist suggested that 7 cells is very good for day 3 and it's even better than a 10 celled embryo since he doesn't want them to grow too fast.

I'm scared as hell that we won't get a baby out of this deal, but I'm trying to stay positive. Transfer is scheduled for Tuesday about noon-ish. In the meantime, I wait.

Waiting

The waiting really is the hardest part of any cycle. Right now, we just wait to see what happened to our 12 little embryos. If I had to guess, I would say that we will probably get the 3dt tomorrow. The next 15 hours will be the longest ever... at least since the last time we did this.

Fert report

As of this morning, we had 12 embryos starting out a journey to life. It seems that an additional egg matured in culture and that one plus all the original 11 fertilized. I'm not done holding my breath just yet, as it seems that we always have a good fertilization rate especially given our RE does ICSI 100% of the time. I guess it's to be expected that they would all fertilize. I have no idea. He has, however, thrown me a curve ball I was not expecting - he wants to do a 5 day transfer. I questioned him on this today, and he actually used the word "positive" when talking about our chances of success (just to be clear - he's hopeful rather than positive of a given outcome). He said that looking at the eggs, he feels they are a good quality and he feels very good about our chances of actually getting a baby out of this deal. I know enough to know that means very little in terms of real outcome, but whatever. I'll take his positive vibes and run like hell.

RE gave me a hard time about yesterday. He even called me an emotional wreck! I don't deny it. He told me several things that I have absolutely memory of... for example, he said that I was talking gibbersih in the OR before I fell asleep. I remember him talking with me, but I don't remember saying anything. He said that once I was back in day-surgery, I was complaining that I couldn't breath, which scared MTB. He even said that someone turned on some music to help calm me. I have no idea what he's talking about there. And finally, he said that I heard his voice, and sat straight up in bed and demanded to know, "How many did we get?!" Yeah, none of that rings a bell.

So there, we have 12 babies growing somewhere in a lab across town. I hope they are warm and cozy and planning all the different ways they will give me even more grey hairs when they are teenagers.

Retrieval

Retrieval was this morning. I was scared out of my mind and I didn't sleep for crap last night. I was awake when the alarm went off at 4:20. We arrived at the hospital as the admitting people were arriving. I was admitted, I changed, they inserted the IV and we were off the races. They wheeled me into the OR, and someone tried to explain where to lay on the table. I interrupted them and said, "Put my butt just above the hole in the table. Yeah, I've done this before." RE knew I was stressed, and he actually came over to talk with me, about nothing really, until I fell asleep. That was sweet of him. They started the sedation, and next thing I know it was all over.

I woke up in the day-surgery recovery room with MTB, RE, the anesthesiologist, and a couple of nurses. I was shaking and stressing. All in all, we got 19 eggs of which 11 were mature. I just need a couple of good ones to make to transfer and beyond.

The embryologist came in and told MTB that he had a choice. He could go up to the lab to do the deed, or he could try in the privacy of the attached bathroom in my room. Apparently, there were 4 or 5 guys waiting in line to use the facilities upstairs in the lab so MTB opted for my room. Just like IVF#1 except then he didn't have a choice.

I go in for a sono in the morning at 9:45.

I'm currently bloated, cramping and on my second Vicodin.

I hope the fert report tomorrow is good.

Follie check #5

Trigger tonight. Sono showed 13 mature follicles and I'll be waiting on pins and needles for the E2 from this morning. It's a little low compared to prior cycles and lower than the suggested 150-200 units per mature follicle so I don't expect that we will end up with 13 or more mature eggs at retrieval. I am still hopeful this will all work out for us.

There was fluid in my uterus, and the nurse said it wouldn't cause any problems in terms of retrieval or egg quality, but it does suggest the beginning of overstimulation. I'm to start on the water asap and increase my intake of protein to help prevent any real problems post retrieval. It was miserable with IVF#1, so I hope to avoid it this time around.

ETA: E2 this morning was 1232. I guess it went up, but still no where near my E2 at trigger for IVF#1 or #2. I'm trying to stay positive.

Follie check #4

Sono showed 10 mature follicles and E2 was just under 1000 (I forgot the actual number but it was something like 987). Meds stayed the same.

Follie check #3

Today's sono showed about 8 follies between 11-13mm on the right and about 7 on the left about the same size. E2 is 357, and RE is okay with the numbers. Meds go back to 3 Bravelle in the morning and 2 Bravele + 1 Menopur in the evening and Lupron stays at 2.5 units per day. Looks like retrieval is still planned (more or less) for Thursday. Fun times.

Follie check #2

Doesn't sound good to me, but the nurse is staying positive. E2 was only 106 and I have about 8 good size follies and few smaller ones growing. No change in the meds. I wish this were easier.

Last night as MTB and I talked, I mentioned the idea that this might not work and that ARB might end up an only child. That made me cry, but at the same time, I wanted to talk about the fact that she's getting a little older so maybe it will be easier to travel and show her the world. MTB wasn't interested in hearing any of it. It wasn't the plan, but she may just grow up all alone. I don't think either of us want to deal with that possibility.

Follie check #1

I went in yesterday for the first follie check, and it looks like an okay crop growing in there with between 4 and 6 follies growing on each side. My E2 last Thursday was 15, so the nurse explained that an E2 in the 50's would be expected. It was 55. I hope we have at least a few good ones in there and a few others just to make me feel good. No change in my meds which include 3 Bravelle/Lupron AM and 2 Bravelle/1 Menopur PM in addition to Dexamethasone and prenatal vitamins. Another follie check tomorrow.

On another note, my blood pressure was sky high when I went in for the aspiration last Friday so I called my PCP for an appointment. Long story short - I'm back on Labetalol twice a day. It might help w the headaches as well. I'm hopeful.

I'm hopeful everything works this time around.

Is this right?

I'm taking Bravelle this time rather than Follistim. While Follistim has an easy, peasy pen, Bravelle has vials that I must mix using a Q cap. Whatever. Using the Q cap leaves a little of the fluid in each vial, and it drives me crazy thinking that I'm not getting a full dose. I think with this evening's injection, I'll being using the needle to draw up the fluid and just skip the Q cap altogether. Just grow, follies, grow!

Another day, another cycle

The cyst did not go away as hoped. It was still there at yesterday's sono. Although my estrogen was *only* 15, RE wanted to aspirate anyway since he didn't want anything to get in the way of the stims and my ovaries. MTB had planned to be out of town, only an hour away but out of town nonetheless, to call on a couple of practices. He's been pretty stressed since bringing on a new employee. Luckily for us, his parents were driving through town to attend a function in San Antonio, and they stayed the night last night. Mother-in-law stayed home w ARB and Father-in-law drove me to the hospital for the procedure. We arrived, I went under, woke up and headed home less than 3 hours later. Within the hour, they continued their journey and it was just me and ARB alone again.

This is really starting to get to me, and I wish this loneliness would just go away. For IVF#1, MTB was right there every single step of the way, but with each subsequent procedure, he becomes less and less involved. I know it's partly just a function of him being the sole bread winner and self-employed, but still, I am selfish and need him to be around to hold my hand. This sucks.

Oh yeah, yesterday was cycle day 1 and officially the beginning of our third IVF. I still wonder how in the hell I got here.

Stims start Sunday.

Waiting

I took my last birth control pill yesterday, so I'm just waiting for cycle day 1 to see if the cyst is gone. RE suggested that if it's not, he will aspirate before I start stims next Sunday. Who knows what that means. I have a sono on Wednesday to make sure it's gone.

Really?

Last week, a fellow infertile started a new blog anonymously, and the topic was the matter of another kid. She had twins a month before ARB was born, and while she was seriously thinking about having another, her DH was perhaps not so much. I let her in on my own dirty little secret about IVF#2 and the FET as I am currently craving some companionship throughout this journey. I get home today and find a post announcing her spontaneous pregnancy.

The universe is seriously fucking with me right now.

I am happy for her. Really. Very, very happy.

Really? All you had to do was have sex once and you got pregnant?

I am so tired of reading the stories of the January 2009 mommies who have no idea when the ovulated and they only had sex once a few weeks ago, but then they just didn't feel normal. So they took a home pregnancy test, and guess what? They are pregnant! Wow!

I'm sick of it. Really. Just keep your pathetic glass of wine and sex stories to yourself.

Cry, cry, cry

This is more or less the end of the 5th month I've been taking something or another trying to make this whole ART thing work. All the hormones are making me crazy. Very, very crazy. I can't believe I am already on the verge of IVF#3. How did this happen? Seriously? The thought of having done this 3 times is a little scary. Add in a little FET and this is ridiculous. The thought that ARB could be an only child is really starting to get to me. I know that MTB and I won't be around forever, and the thought that she could end up completely alone in the world saddens me. A lot.

Here we go again (again)

I got my calendar and protocol. It looks everything is the same but I'll be taking Bravelle instead of Follistim, which isn't a biggie. Also, RE added Parlodel to the mix. Dr. Internet says that it's for Parkinson's but it can also be used to treat high prolactin levels which can lead to difficulty in getting pregnant. I wonder what my prolactin levels are? New timeline to the right...

FET timeline

Had to save this somewhere.

*Nov 18 - Start birth control pills
*Nov - IVF#2 follow-up and sono - (I have several small cysts on the right and none on the left. We are good to go w FET.)
*Dec 7 - Sono and start Lupron 20 units per day
*Dec 14 - Last birth control pill
*Dec 20 - Possibly start estrogen and drop Lupron to 10 units per day
*Dec 21 - Start Dexamethasone
*Dec 28 - Sono
*Jan 4 - Sono and labwork - possibly stop estrogen and start progesterone depending on lining (E2 = 124, Lining 12.7mm)
*Jan 7 - Thaw 10 frozen embryos and allow to grow to 5 day blasts
*Jan 9 - Expected FET (bed rest x 4 days)
*Jan 13 - Labwork
*Jan 18 - Beta #1 - 13 (positive but too low)
*Jan 20 - Beta #2 - officially negative

What next?

The second beta was officially negative. Given that the first was only 13,I wonder if that couldn't have been the hCG booster I took after the transfer? I suppose it's possible. I guess that will improve RE's stats, but it sure doesn't help make ARB a big sister.

At the moment, we are thinking that we will move right into another fresh cycle and hope that this time it works. We are so fortunate that ARB hung on tight and we have the sweetest little girl. She melts my heart and makes it impossible to stay sad. Monday evening, as we sat on the floor together, she hugged me dozens of times. Later when MTB came home early, she actually took her first real steps. She is amazing and she is the reason that I am able to process this loss so quickly.

Last night as I lay in bed, I remembered the day that we found out our first baby had died. I remember feeling numb and in a complete daze the rest of the day. MTB made me leave the house in the afternoon and we went to feed the ducks at the lake. I remember feeling as if I were looking at a shell of myself - no real life - just hollow. Would I rather this baby hang on for 10 weeks before deciding it's genetic material wasn't sufficient? No way. Am I glad I know today that this baby wasn't viable. I think so. Does that make me a bad person?

Beta is 13

Not good and nuff said.

3:48

And the nurse still hasn't called. This is not fair.

Can it be true?

Last night, MTB came home with a fresh package of FRERs, and I decided that I should not try to pee again. This morning, I made it until 11 am before caving for real. I peed, I dunked, and I waited. Two minutes I waited, and there it was.... a perfect, pink, second line. Amazing! ARB is going to be a big sister!!! I can't wait for the beta tomorrow. I hope it's good, and I hope it doubles. I hope the sono is good, and I hope all is well, and we see this baby in mid-September. Holy cow - it's positive!!!!!

Still waiting

I am now 7dp5dt, and I actually caved and wanted to test. MTB agreed and provided the previously hidden pee sticks. I peed. I dunked (because I always pee in a cup and then dunk the stick - sorry TMI). And waited. I was using a digital FRER and it was supposed to start blinking when it started working, but no blinking. We waited and then it went blank. I looked at the package, and noted that it actually expired in November 2009. Damn! I had a huge stash of pee sticks left over from my first IVF, and I used all but this last box in connection with the failed IVF last fall. Who would have thought that it would have expired so quickly. I dunked the second pee stick just to see if it might work and I got a "?" instead of a blank screen, but it was still a bad test. MTB picked up a couple of fresh pee sticks, but I decided not to test this evening. They are in the house and I might test in the morning, or I might stay with the plan to test Monday morning. I want to know, but I don't want to know anything I might not like.

4dp5dt

I had no idea I was so far along until one of the ladies on my FET board mentioned it, but here I am - 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I never thought I would do a 5 day transfer so it seems strange to be so far along already. I have not caved to the pee stick yet, and I don't intend to. For the failed IVF last fall, I spent a fortune on pee sticks - and not the cheap ones either. I was literally pissing away $10-15 a day looking for a hint of a second line that never bothered to show up. I haven't even considered testing this time around and I feel so much better for it.

The beta is scheduled for Monday, and just 5 short days from now, we will know one way or another. The current plan is go in for the blood draw, then come home and take a home pregnancy test so we won't be blindsided by the nurse's call. She's nice, but rather clueless when it comes to giving the news. So here we are... 4dp5dt.

FET complete

As a result of the failed IVF last fall, we had 10, 3 day embryos frozen and waiting for the change at life. Late last week, we thawed all 10 and allowed them to grow to day 5. Eight survived the thaw, and on Saturday, 4 were still growing. We had one, superstar textbook blast that was already starting to hatch, two early blasts that the embryologist was unable to rate, and 1 poor looking morula. After much debate, MTB and I decided to transfer all three of the blasts, and the morula didn't make it.

My mother came in late Friday afternoon to help take care of Adele, which was a real blessing. She is so good with Adele, and Adele loves playing with her grandma. My mother did way to much work and instead of just taking care of Adele she did all the laundry in addition to cooking for us. It was sooo nice to have all that laundry done.

For the first time, I had acupuncture treatments before (actually Friday evening) and following the transfer. I'm hopeful that we have a baby growing in there.

Beta is Monday, Jan 18.

I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.

The plan is to take a home pregnancy test on Monday after the blood draw but before we get the phone call.

Good, good vibrations

The embryos are on the move again. Eight of the ten survived the thaw and are growing. We won't know until tomorrow if we actually have any to transfer, which is currently scheduled for 12:30. Hoping we have some to transfer and hoping it works this time around.

We are go for pseudo-O

So Monday's sono revealed a nice thick lining of about 12.4mm, but the blood work came back a little iffy. My estrogen levels are only 123, so RE has added an oral estrace pill in addition to the 4 patches. I tried to find information regarding E2 levels in connection with an FET, and found some RE's prefer E2 levels to be higher than 200 (according to several ladies on several boards - gotta love Google). I also found a study that concluded E2 levels are not an important consideration in terms of pregnancy rates. That gave me a little comfort until I continued reading and noticed spelling errors in the paper. Hmmm...

I had asked RE's new nurse about the E2 levels, but she didn't sound too convincing as she said, "Uhm, I think..." about 10 times during a 3 minute conversation. She mentioned that the lining is more important than the E2 levels, so I *think* I might be okay.

Regardless of the E2 levels, Monday is considered pseudo-ovulation. I didn't actually ovulate, but the meds simulate ovulation. I stopped Lupron (thank you, Lord!) and started progesterone shots... same old pain in the ass.

One more twist to this medicated journey - I'll be on Lovenox this time around. In my online research, I could only find that Lovenox is prescribed for women with clotting disorders. I asked Nurse about this as well, and she flat out said that she didn't know. MTB talked w RE and was told that this addition to the protocol is based on several studies that show an increase in pregnancy rates for women whom have a failed IVF. I have no idea if I would be on this for the duration of a possible pregnancy or just through the first couple of weeks/months.

FET is scheduled for Saturday at noon. I think they will thaw our babies within the next day or two, but Nurse suggested that we probably won't get any updates (if any at all) until Friday. I hope this works and we get some blasts to transfer. I'll go in for acupuncture on Friday evening, and Teri has agreed to see me again on Saturday following the transfer. I need to start listening to my IVF/FET relaxation meditations immediately.

Please let this work.

Progress is good

I started the estrogen patches last Monday and now I am up to 4 patches a day. The Lupron headaches are killing me and I feel like biting heads off anytime things don't go exactly my way. I'm blaming the drugs.

MTB and I headed to the parents' houses last week and upon our return, there was a box on our front step. I opened it to find that Brenda had returned the tiki fertility cups. I sent them to her nearly a year ago in the hopes that they would bring a little luck during her third and last IVF attempt. Unfortunately, they didn't work. At the sight of them nestled in bubble wrap inside the box my heart jumped just a little in excitement. Then I remembered why she was returning them and my heart hurt for her. We will toast our future babies with these cups just as we did for our very first IVF. The results from that cycle are stunning (and asleep in the next room).

CD1

Here we go... is this the cycle that will work? Last birth control pill was Tuesday (although it was supposed to be Monday - oops!). Estrogen patches start Monday and then we should really be cooking then.

Okay, I'm an idiot

I forgot to take my Lupron shot Friday evening. I have an alarm set up to remind me to take it every night at 9pm, and on Friday, I was too busy looking for recipes online to be bothered with the shot. I kept saying, "I'll take it in a minute." Yeah, that never happened. I finally remembered at about 8 the next morning so I was about 11 hours late. Not sure what to do, I took it 8 am and again at 9 pm last night. It should be okay, but I'll call RE on Monday just to let them know. I need to not push snooze on the shots.

Uhm, I can't think of a clever title

I started acupuncture again this afternoon. The lady is local, so it works out well that MTB and I can tag team ARB while I get stuck. The lady is nice and I think she did a good job. After only the first treatment and about an hour, I felt great! Also, she's got bargain pricing where you pay $350 for unlimited treatments for a month. I'm looking forward to getting my money's worth.

Next steps

Sono yesterday was clean, and I got the green light to go for Lupron. I started with 20 units, which is twice as much as in my IVF cycles. No headaches so far.

On pins and needles

Once upon a time, I tried acupuncture. I did it for about 3 months right after we lost our first baby in Oct 2007. I thought it was very relaxing until the acupuncturist basically fired me when she said, "I don't know why you are not getting pregnant. Come back if you want help with your headaches." Hmmm.....

I was only a little surprised when RE suggested acupuncture. He suggested one in Dallas while his nurse suggested someone else local. I contacted the local lady, and I'll start with the treatments in about a week. She has a deal where I can get a month of treatments for one low, low all-inclusive price. Now I just need MTB to commit to taking care of ARB while I attend these unlimited sessions. I want to make sure I get our money's worth.

FET - done

Okay, not done yet but we made a decision and we have a calendar. Based on the conversation with RE, we decided to go for an FET. The plan is to thaw our 10, frozen, 3 day embryos and let them grow to 5 day blasts and transfer on Jan 9. RE doesn't like the idea of a natural cycle, so I'm on birth control pills for a while and then 20 units of Lupron for a while. Ten units killed me with headaches so I am not looking forward to 20.

Movin' on

I don't know if I am really done being sad, but I am certainly ready to move on. My cycle started yesterday, and it's horrible. My lining was really thick because of all the extra hormones, and it's really showing itself right now. Yuck. My follow-up appointment with RE isn't until next Monday, but I plan to start taking birth control pills again tomorrow. I go back and forth between a frozen embryo transfer and another fresh IVF. If I have to wait a whole month on birth control pills and take Lupron, I might as well just go for a fresh cycle. The only real differences that I can see at this point are stims, which really aren't that bad, and retrieval, were I am knocked out anyway. I think a fresh cycle will give us the best odds and that's where I'm leaning... today. Tomorrow could be different.

IVF#2 Timeline

I decided that it's time to move the timeline for IVF#2 from the sidebar, but I certainly wanted to keep it for future reference. Here it is - in all its failure...

*Sept 14 - Start BCP
*Sept 28 - Sonohystogram and mock transfer
*Oct 8 - Sono and start Lupron (10 units)
*Oct 14 - Last BCP
*Oct 19 - Sono and labwork
*Oct 20 - Start stims (Follistim and Menopur) and Dexamethasone
*Oct 22 - Sono and labwork (E2 = 87, 5 measurable follicles)
*Oct 24 - Sono and labwork (E2 = 352, 18 measurable follicles )
*Oct 26 - Sono and labwork (E2 = 961, 26 measurable follicles )
*Oct 28 - Sono and labwork (E2 = 2222, 30 measurable follicles)
*Oct 29 - Sono and labwork (20 mature follicles + 10 others)
*Oct 31 - Retrieval (12 mature eggs + 5 more that could mature in culture)
*Nov 1 - Fert report - (16 eggs fertilized of which 14 are considered good/excellent quality and 2 arrested)
*Nov 3 - Transferred 3, 8-celled embryos (1 grade A and 2 grade B) and froze 10 on day 3 (bedrest x 4 days)
*Nov 13 - Negative

The end of this road

I am not pregnant. I am sad, I have a headache, and I feel sick to my stomach, but I am most certainly not pregnant. I was sitting on the floor with ARB yesterday when the thought that she may never be a big sister hit me like a ton of bricks, and I started to cry. She has never seen me cry before, and she was fascinated by the tears rolling down my face. She crawled over, climbed up my arm, and touched my tears. She is amazing, and how can I be sad for long when I have this amazing little girl in my life? She and MTB are everything to me, and I am so grateful that we have each other.

We are currently trying to decide what to do next and when to do it. Initially, I was leaning toward another IVF as quickly as possible, but if I were allowed to cycle again starting with this next cycle, stims and/or retrieval would end up right about the time that MTB and I hoped to spend a week at the cabin. I'm wondering if an FET (frozen embryo transfer) would be a better option to get us through the end of the year.

The day before beta - 9dp3dt

I lied. Last night, I found 2 home pregnancy tests underneath the sink. One was a traditional pee stick and the second was a digital. Both are negative. Today, little else hurts as much as seeing the words, "Not Pregnant." I'm hoping we can talk with RE tomorrow to decide our best options moving forward. We have 11 embryos on ice, but all are less than stellar quality. Given we still have coverage, I wonder if it makes more sense to move forward with another fresh cycle asap?

Another 24 hours - 8dp3dt

I asked MTB to hide my pee sticks. Testing is just too hard, and I'll wait until Friday. My plan at this point is to go in for the blood draw at 9:30 then maybe I'll test after that. MTB has meetings Friday so maybe I won't, and I won't answer the phone either. We can check the message together later in the afternoon. He better not get the phone call or I'll be seriously pissed.

The wait continues - 7dp3dt

It was completely negative this morning. I thought I could see a line, but I think I was fooling myself. Last time, I didn't even get a hint of a second until 9 days past transfer so I still have a day or two until I reach that point. I read a study that suggested that ICSI procedures tend to result in lower betas for viable pregnancies, on average, than a non ICSI IVF procedure. To me, that means they tend to implant later. At least that's what I'm hoping. The wait is killing me.

The longest wait

What all of the readers of my original blog don't know is that I tested out my trigger, and I knew I was pregnant 2 days before the beta. It didn't feel right to announce anything based on the home pregnancy test especially before we announced to our families. In any case, I started testing at 8 days past egg retrieval and got a very slight positive, which only meant that my system was still showing the effects of the hCG booster shot I got the day after transfer. The test was completely negative the next day. I continued to test and at 11 days past egg retrieval, I was still holding a completely, stark white home pregnancy test. I was devastated. The next day, Memorial Day 2008, I got the first hint of a second, pink line, and it was magnificent! MTB and I celebrated by driving to some small town or another and having breakfast at the smallest, greasiest diner in Texas.

For this cycle, I tested for the first time this morning at 9 days past egg retrieval. There is a hint of a line, which only means that I could still be showing the effects of the hCG booster shot I got the day after transfer or I am pregnant. I don't know a thing, but I'll test again tomorrow and the day after and the day after that hoping that the line gets darker. The waiting really is the hardest part (to paraphrase Tom Petty) and it sucks.

Transfer x3

We transferred 3 embryos on Tuesday, November 3. This time around, it seemed much more anticlimactic than it did the first time around, and yet it was still super exciting. I'm still not sure why we didn't push for a 5 day transfer since we still had 13 embryos growing strong in the lab. We ended up transferring the best 3 and freezing 10 on day 3.

MTB's mother was here to take care of ARB while I was on bed rest - 4 days of bed rest! We had breakfast and headed over the hospital for our 12:30 appointment. After spending more time than I hoped with my legs wide in the air, it was done. I didn't have to wait as long to go to the bathroom this time around, but I waited anyway and listened to a meditation designed for post-transfer. I was home and in bed by 3:00.

We got a picture* of our embryos this time around, and I have to say that these are some fine looking kids...



I hope at least 1 decides to stick around for a while.

*The real life picture is so much better, but I took one with my iPhone since I never remembered to ask MTB to scan it for me.

Tiki power, activate

In preparation for our first cycle, a kind blog friend sent me a pair of tiki fertility cups, which probably had a lot to do with the fact that she had twins. I was touched that a) someone I didn't know would be interested in our success and b) that someone would part with something with so much lore within her own family. The cups worked and I passed them onto another blog friend.



Last night, the night before our transfer, MTB surprised and amused me when he produced 2 new tiki fertility cups for us to toast our baby and hope for success. By remembering something so silly, he has again proven himself the sweetest and most loving man on earth.

Day 2

So, we still don't have any new news on our growing embryos across town, but I went for a check up this morning. As expected, I have lots of fluid in my abdomen, which is causing all the discomfort. Maybe I don't understand, but transfer has been scheduled for tomorrow at 12:30. I would have though that with 14 fertilized eggs, we would wait until tomorrow to see if we would end up with a 3 or 5 day transfer, but it seems the decision has been made and day 3 it is. On the one hand, we got pregnant with a 3 day transfer once and lots of women do, but on the other hand, it would have been nice to see what tomorrow brings before making the decision.

MTB's mother arrives tonight to help take care of ARB. Four whole days of bed rest for me and I'm not supposed to pick up my baby. I wonder how well this is going to work out?

Fert report

MTB got the call instead of me, and that makes me mad. But whatever.

To recap, we got 12 mature eggs yesterday and 5 more that RE thought could mature in culture. Of those, 16 fertilized overnight. (Not sure what the mix is of the mature vs matured eggs.) As of this morning, we have 14 fertilized eggs that are considered good/excellent quality and 2 that were not. Those last two arrested and are no longer developing. We won't know until Tuesday if we are going in for a 3 or 5 day transfer.

Retrieval (again)

I went under this morning for my second ever egg retrieval. After a slow start on the left ovary, the latest sono had shown some 20 mature follicles and several more that were right on the verge. This morning, we got 21 eggs. Only 12 were mature, and 5 more could mature in culture, but just like last time, I'm really not counting on it. Hopefully, we will have a good crop of embryos on Tuesday. I feel like if we are lucky enough to get to a 3 day transfer, that's all I can ask.

The second time around, I knew a little better what to expect and we mentioned to the anesthesiologist that waking up was so hard last time. Brutal, in fact. Last time, I was shaking violently for 30 minutes and I had no clue about anything. Whatever this guy did, he did it well, and I woke up warm and more or less aware.

A friend of mine kept ARB while we were busy in the hospital. MTB and I considered trying to tag team her, but in the end, it seemed better that she didn't have to spend the morning in the hospital with all the germs. ARB did well and didn't cry much except when my friend walked more than 2 feet away. My baby girl is so easy going, and I'm glad that she wasn't stressed out.

Sooo, at this point, transfer is scheduled for 12:30 Tuesday afternoon. At least, I really hope so.

Afraid

I have no idea if I felt this way last time or not. I've looked back on that cycle, and it seems that I was pretty bloated by this time, but now, I feel cramps where my ovaries would be. Did I feel cramps last time too? I just don't remember, but this is really freakin' me out. I wonder if I'm not ovulating early perhaps.

As for the trigger, it went well given that I messed up. During my appointment yesterday, the nurse mixed the trigger shot, and I was supposed to put it in the fridge when I got home. I forgot. When we got home, it was time for ARB to eat and I had to take my last Follistim injection and I completely forgot the shot in my purse for about 5 or 6 hours. When I did think about it, I put it in the fridge and let it go. Fast forward a few hours until after RE's office closed. I started to worry about the shot. Did I mess it up? I Google. Dr. Google and his many amateur assistants have conflicting stories... some say that as long as it's used within 12 hours of mixing, it should be okay but some say that the effectiveness may be compromised. I panic. I call RE on his cell phone, and he returns my call within 2 minutes. As long as the temperature in our home didn't get into the 90's, I should be okay. Then he tells me that he had to have some sort of emergency procedure done on his right eye, and he will be wearing a bandage during ER on Saturday. Uhm. What?

Arrgghhh, an RE with a patch - I'm trying to ignore the fact that he will be wielding a giant needle in and around my girly bits. Ahoy, Matie.

And MTB did make it home in time to give me the trigger. He did a good job, and I didn't feel a thing.

Trigger

Trigger tonight. According to this morning's sono, I have 20 follies ready to go, but my E2 levels tell me that we probably won't get 20 mature/quality eggs. I'm hoping for a good harvest, a good fert report and a 3 day transfer. MTB is in Houston today and he probably won't be home in time to give me the trigger shot so I'll have to do it myself.


I really hope this works.

Follie check - part four

Today's follie check revealed 30 measurable follicles! 30!! Not all will contain an egg and not all eggs will be mature, but it's looking good so far. I have about 15 follies on each side with the biggest measuring about 20mm. I have 9 more between 16-19mm and several, several more between 12-15mm. I hope there are at least a few good ones in there because I'm not convinced that I could do this again anytime soon. Trigger is expected tomorrow although MTB is planning a trip to Houston so I may end up giving the trigger to myself. Not fun, but I could probably handle it.

Retrieval is expected Saturday morning, and MTB and I have been going back and forth about what to do with ARB during that time. At first, we thought we could just tag team her, but as the reality sets in, we realize that we probably need to find someone to care for her. We don't have family in town so it's not like we have built-in babysitters. I talked w a friend of mine who lives about 3 miles from the hospital where we will be Saturday morning, and she has agreed, in theory, to watch Adele. She agreed not knowing that we will need to be at the hospital by 6 am. My friend is not much of a morning person, so we'll see if she's still interested.

How I'm doing

Cray-zeee! That pretty much sums it up. The meds have fried every last nerve when it comes to everyone except ARB. MTB can't seem to do anything without it absolutely driving me crazy. We talked last night, and I mentioned that we haven't been talking enough lately and that's never good.

On a completely different note, MTB provided a semen sample at the lab yesterday. The lab is located at a hospital about 30 miles away, and since our last cycle, it's been acquired by another hospital system. Last time, MTB walked in and after some trouble actually finding the right place, he did the deed and left. This time, he actually had to register. He spent nearly an hour in admitting and had a bracelet. He said the bracelet didn't help.

I'm cramping a little bit and I'm worried. I wonder if I haven't screwed up something and I'm ovulating early. My brain tells me that everything is probably okay, but still, what if it's not? Sono and blood work in a few hours.....

Follie check - part three

Today's sono went well. At this point, I have about 15 good size follies on the right and 11 on the left, and all measure between 10-13mm. My lining is a nice 10mm, and things are moving along nicely. Amy, the nurse, said that she expects I'll trigger on Thursday, which puts us retrieval on Saturday. I am so happy that things are going well so far. I'm trying not to get too far ahead, but I can't help thinking about transfer.

ETA: E2 is 961. Follistim tonight and in the morning is 225 units, then drop Follistim to 150 tomorrow night and pick up the Menopur. Lupron stays at 2.5 units.

Follie check - part two

I had my second follie check this morning, and things are cooking in there. I was worried after Thursday's sono only showed 5 follies on the right and no action on the left. RE said that he was very pleased with my response so far and that my E2 on Thursday (87) was very good. So today's scan showed a lot of follie growth.... even though it looked like he was double counting some, he counted 18 follies (11 on the right and 7 on the left). I left a happy girl. I won't know my E2 from today given it's a Saturday, but RE adjusted my meds: Follistim goes to 225 units AM and PM and Menopur is suspended for a few days. Next check is Monday at 9:30.

ETA: E2 was 352.

Damn!

I had decided that I wasn't going to do all those stupid things I did with IVF #1... things like soaking my feet (to increase blood flow to the uterus and ovaries), eat eggs (I HATE eggs - except in cake) or drink protein shakes (eh! I burned out on them). All those ideas came from reading the online baby boards rather than my doctor so I thought that they probably didn't have much to do with the success of my last cycle. Maybe I was wrong to drop those things?

I went in for the first follie check this morning, and it seems that my left ovary is currently on strike. While the right has about 5 or 6 good size follies after 2 days of stims, the left has no activity.

Is my hope for another baby too much to ask?

ETA: E2 is 87 and the meds stay the same (225 units of Follistim in the AM, 150 units of Follistim in the PM + 75 units of Menopur). Now if I can just get my insurance company to approve the dang refills, life will be okay.

And we're off

I had my baseline sono and blood work yesterday, and all is well. I have at least 8 follicles on right and 6 on the left, which means that we could get 14 eggs. I feel like that's unlikely, but I am hopeful that we get a few good enough to get pregnant.

I started stims this morning. It was a little strange to be shooting up again, but here we are. I honestly can't remember everything I did last time, but I guess I'll be trying to keep my feet warm (something about warm feet increasing the blood flow to the uterus - who knows if it works?).

Headache

I had forgotten how miserable the Lupron headaches can be. It's even worse when you are fighting off a cold AND you have an 8 month with her very first cold. This sucks.

Sono and baseline blood work tomorrow. If all goes well, I start stimming on Tuesday and the Lupron drops to 2 1/2 units a day. Ahhhh, relief!

Waiting for AF

I am so glad that the birth control pills are done. I think they were seriously messing with my mind. Tuesday afternoon, I wanted to take ARB to the aquarium in Baltimore. When I got to the window, the woman told me that I couldn't take the stroller in and I would have to check it. Tears immediately stung my eyes and I felt like such a failure. A failure? The feelings were overwhelming, and it was pathetic.

The headaches are coming, I'm afraid.

Go for Lupron

My sono today revealed that there are no cysts, and I am good to start Lupron. Headaches - here I come!!

Meds!

I got my huge box of meds today, and I was a little overwhelmed at the number of needles included in the kit. Holy crap - and I have to shove each of them in my flesh. Nice. Sono tomorrow and then I start Lupron. Ugh! The headaches I could do without.

I've given up coffee for the second time in my life. The first was in the spring of 2008 before our IUI and IVF cycles. I love the taste of coffee, and it was one of the things I missed most throughout my pregnancy. I know there are studies to suggest that 1 cup won't make a difference, but I'm willing to give it up if it means that we can give ARB a sweet baby brother or sister. That is my main goal these days. It's a good one.

Go for launch

Or at least, we are go for our cycle. We do not need to postpone because of the gall bladder surgery, which is scheduled for tomorrow at 7 am. I'm a little scared, but ready to feel better. I've read lots and lots online that describe how a faulty gall bladder can cause all sorts of yucky feelings including scales on the soles of your feet. What?

So it looks like I will start Lupron next week assuming the birth control pills have done their job.

On our way - for now

I had the sonohystogram yesterday and all is clear for launch. I can't believe I'm all set to start Lupron next week. That is, assuming this gall bladder surgery doesn't interfere too much. I should know more tomorrow.

Delay

Crap - this is the response I got from the nurse when I asked if this stupid surgery would impact my cycle,

"... you can continue with the cycle. But if your Dr who is going to do your surgery tells your otherwise, then you will need to stop and wait a cycle."

My appointment with the surgeon isn't until Wednesday.

Randomness

It's an early Sunday evening, and ARB is finally in bed. She had a long day as MTB and I were out and about running here and there. She was so tired I put her down a few minutes early, and she's asleep. For now.

I found out this past week that I need to have my gall bladder removed. I'm hoping that it won't interfere with our IVF cycle, but the nurse hasn't returned my emails. I hope that having this thing out will make me feel better. Everyone whose had the surgery and everything I've read online suggests that I will.

I think these birth control pills are going to kill me. Or MTB. I go from nagging to mad to crying in about 10 1/2 seconds. It's getting old, and I feel powerless to deal with it.

I try to imagine having another baby in our home and it's hard. There are times by the end of the day that I am so ready for 5 minutes to myself, and I know that me-time will only get harder with another one around. Am I ready for another baby already?

Calendar

Got my calendar today. The nurse had to plan around travel schedules for me, RE and embryologist so I don't expect retrieval until the end of October. As of right now, my calendar looks like this...


Sept 14 - Start BCP
Sept 28 - Sonohystogram and mock transfer
Oct 8 - Sono and start Lupron (10 units)
Oct 14 - Last BCP
Oct 19 - Sono and labwork
Oct 20 - Start stims (Follistim and Menopur) and Dexamethasone (Lupron drops to 2.5 units)
Oct 31 - Possible retrieval
Nov 3 - Possible transfer (bedrest x 4 days)
Nov 13 - First beta

Not sure how 4 days of bed rest will go this time around. Last time I was extremely compliant, and I didn't move from the bed except for a super quick shower and bathroom breaks. Not sure it will go as easily this time with a 9 month old baby girl crawling everywhere even with extra help from MTB's mother. We'll see how set in stone that bed rest really is. Many RE's don't even prescribe it.

Still nervous.

Is this real?

I still don't have my calendar. How can I obsess if I don't have my calendar?


I took a home pregnancy test this morning. I've been feeling really tired and very sick for several days, and I thought it better to be safe than sorry. I just needed to know that I wasn't pregnant. I'm not.

Still scared about doing this again.

The second time around

I started birth control pills today. It always seems a little weird to begin this most aggressive form of fertility treatments with birth control pills. Of course, I understand why I'm taking them, but it still seems paradoxical.

As the thought of actually going through another IVF has started to sink in, I'm filled with anxiety and fear. How hard is this going to be when chasing ARB around the room? How will the drugs effect me this time? Will I still get those horrible Lupron headaches again? How am I going to manage ER and ET with ARB? What if this doesn't work? MTB and I had a major heart to heart the other day, and I think he's forgotten how hard this process is on the body. I think I had forgotten about it too.

I should get my calendar tomorrow.

The appointment

Mitchell and I met with RE for the first time since our last pregnancy at about 9 weeks. Given my age, it seems appropriate that we get going on making another baby if we hope to give ARB a baby brother or baby sister. Initially, we wanted to talk about possibly getting some fertilized eggs and freezing them until ARB is a little older. I was a little surprised when RE suggested that our last cycle wasn't considered an overwhelming success. He actually said that as I was holding my baby who resulted from that cycle! Then he went on to explain that he retrieved 16 eggs on our first cycle, 8 were mature, 8 fertilized, we transferred 3, got pregnant with 1 and 1 made it to freeze. We should have had more from the 16 eggs retrieved. I guess it's all in how you define success. I went in for CD3 blood work a few weeks ago, and at this point, we are just waiting on my next cycle to start so the nurse can create my calendar. RE was not sure if I will follow the same protocol as he needed the results of my CD3 blood work. I should know more within the next few weeks, but we could be going for retrieval/transfer sometime by the end of October. Yikes! I'm scared.

What's the point?

Seriously, what's the point of this blog? Mitchell and I met with our RE several weeks ago, and I actually wrote a long and drawn out post describing that meeting, but I couldn't hit publish. For some reason, I just want to keep this cycle somewhat more private than the last. It seems so selfish to want another baby when my first baby (and second pregnancy) is *only* seven months old. I still want to record this next cycle because it's tremendous to go back and read where I was and what I was going through. Maybe I'll share these details some day.