Cry, cry, cry

This is more or less the end of the 5th month I've been taking something or another trying to make this whole ART thing work. All the hormones are making me crazy. Very, very crazy. I can't believe I am already on the verge of IVF#3. How did this happen? Seriously? The thought of having done this 3 times is a little scary. Add in a little FET and this is ridiculous. The thought that ARB could be an only child is really starting to get to me. I know that MTB and I won't be around forever, and the thought that she could end up completely alone in the world saddens me. A lot.

Here we go again (again)

I got my calendar and protocol. It looks everything is the same but I'll be taking Bravelle instead of Follistim, which isn't a biggie. Also, RE added Parlodel to the mix. Dr. Internet says that it's for Parkinson's but it can also be used to treat high prolactin levels which can lead to difficulty in getting pregnant. I wonder what my prolactin levels are? New timeline to the right...

FET timeline

Had to save this somewhere.

*Nov 18 - Start birth control pills
*Nov - IVF#2 follow-up and sono - (I have several small cysts on the right and none on the left. We are good to go w FET.)
*Dec 7 - Sono and start Lupron 20 units per day
*Dec 14 - Last birth control pill
*Dec 20 - Possibly start estrogen and drop Lupron to 10 units per day
*Dec 21 - Start Dexamethasone
*Dec 28 - Sono
*Jan 4 - Sono and labwork - possibly stop estrogen and start progesterone depending on lining (E2 = 124, Lining 12.7mm)
*Jan 7 - Thaw 10 frozen embryos and allow to grow to 5 day blasts
*Jan 9 - Expected FET (bed rest x 4 days)
*Jan 13 - Labwork
*Jan 18 - Beta #1 - 13 (positive but too low)
*Jan 20 - Beta #2 - officially negative

What next?

The second beta was officially negative. Given that the first was only 13,I wonder if that couldn't have been the hCG booster I took after the transfer? I suppose it's possible. I guess that will improve RE's stats, but it sure doesn't help make ARB a big sister.

At the moment, we are thinking that we will move right into another fresh cycle and hope that this time it works. We are so fortunate that ARB hung on tight and we have the sweetest little girl. She melts my heart and makes it impossible to stay sad. Monday evening, as we sat on the floor together, she hugged me dozens of times. Later when MTB came home early, she actually took her first real steps. She is amazing and she is the reason that I am able to process this loss so quickly.

Last night as I lay in bed, I remembered the day that we found out our first baby had died. I remember feeling numb and in a complete daze the rest of the day. MTB made me leave the house in the afternoon and we went to feed the ducks at the lake. I remember feeling as if I were looking at a shell of myself - no real life - just hollow. Would I rather this baby hang on for 10 weeks before deciding it's genetic material wasn't sufficient? No way. Am I glad I know today that this baby wasn't viable. I think so. Does that make me a bad person?

Beta is 13

Not good and nuff said.

3:48

And the nurse still hasn't called. This is not fair.

Can it be true?

Last night, MTB came home with a fresh package of FRERs, and I decided that I should not try to pee again. This morning, I made it until 11 am before caving for real. I peed, I dunked, and I waited. Two minutes I waited, and there it was.... a perfect, pink, second line. Amazing! ARB is going to be a big sister!!! I can't wait for the beta tomorrow. I hope it's good, and I hope it doubles. I hope the sono is good, and I hope all is well, and we see this baby in mid-September. Holy cow - it's positive!!!!!

Still waiting

I am now 7dp5dt, and I actually caved and wanted to test. MTB agreed and provided the previously hidden pee sticks. I peed. I dunked (because I always pee in a cup and then dunk the stick - sorry TMI). And waited. I was using a digital FRER and it was supposed to start blinking when it started working, but no blinking. We waited and then it went blank. I looked at the package, and noted that it actually expired in November 2009. Damn! I had a huge stash of pee sticks left over from my first IVF, and I used all but this last box in connection with the failed IVF last fall. Who would have thought that it would have expired so quickly. I dunked the second pee stick just to see if it might work and I got a "?" instead of a blank screen, but it was still a bad test. MTB picked up a couple of fresh pee sticks, but I decided not to test this evening. They are in the house and I might test in the morning, or I might stay with the plan to test Monday morning. I want to know, but I don't want to know anything I might not like.

4dp5dt

I had no idea I was so far along until one of the ladies on my FET board mentioned it, but here I am - 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I never thought I would do a 5 day transfer so it seems strange to be so far along already. I have not caved to the pee stick yet, and I don't intend to. For the failed IVF last fall, I spent a fortune on pee sticks - and not the cheap ones either. I was literally pissing away $10-15 a day looking for a hint of a second line that never bothered to show up. I haven't even considered testing this time around and I feel so much better for it.

The beta is scheduled for Monday, and just 5 short days from now, we will know one way or another. The current plan is go in for the blood draw, then come home and take a home pregnancy test so we won't be blindsided by the nurse's call. She's nice, but rather clueless when it comes to giving the news. So here we are... 4dp5dt.

FET complete

As a result of the failed IVF last fall, we had 10, 3 day embryos frozen and waiting for the change at life. Late last week, we thawed all 10 and allowed them to grow to day 5. Eight survived the thaw, and on Saturday, 4 were still growing. We had one, superstar textbook blast that was already starting to hatch, two early blasts that the embryologist was unable to rate, and 1 poor looking morula. After much debate, MTB and I decided to transfer all three of the blasts, and the morula didn't make it.

My mother came in late Friday afternoon to help take care of Adele, which was a real blessing. She is so good with Adele, and Adele loves playing with her grandma. My mother did way to much work and instead of just taking care of Adele she did all the laundry in addition to cooking for us. It was sooo nice to have all that laundry done.

For the first time, I had acupuncture treatments before (actually Friday evening) and following the transfer. I'm hopeful that we have a baby growing in there.

Beta is Monday, Jan 18.

I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.
I will not take a home pregnancy test.

The plan is to take a home pregnancy test on Monday after the blood draw but before we get the phone call.

Good, good vibrations

The embryos are on the move again. Eight of the ten survived the thaw and are growing. We won't know until tomorrow if we actually have any to transfer, which is currently scheduled for 12:30. Hoping we have some to transfer and hoping it works this time around.

We are go for pseudo-O

So Monday's sono revealed a nice thick lining of about 12.4mm, but the blood work came back a little iffy. My estrogen levels are only 123, so RE has added an oral estrace pill in addition to the 4 patches. I tried to find information regarding E2 levels in connection with an FET, and found some RE's prefer E2 levels to be higher than 200 (according to several ladies on several boards - gotta love Google). I also found a study that concluded E2 levels are not an important consideration in terms of pregnancy rates. That gave me a little comfort until I continued reading and noticed spelling errors in the paper. Hmmm...

I had asked RE's new nurse about the E2 levels, but she didn't sound too convincing as she said, "Uhm, I think..." about 10 times during a 3 minute conversation. She mentioned that the lining is more important than the E2 levels, so I *think* I might be okay.

Regardless of the E2 levels, Monday is considered pseudo-ovulation. I didn't actually ovulate, but the meds simulate ovulation. I stopped Lupron (thank you, Lord!) and started progesterone shots... same old pain in the ass.

One more twist to this medicated journey - I'll be on Lovenox this time around. In my online research, I could only find that Lovenox is prescribed for women with clotting disorders. I asked Nurse about this as well, and she flat out said that she didn't know. MTB talked w RE and was told that this addition to the protocol is based on several studies that show an increase in pregnancy rates for women whom have a failed IVF. I have no idea if I would be on this for the duration of a possible pregnancy or just through the first couple of weeks/months.

FET is scheduled for Saturday at noon. I think they will thaw our babies within the next day or two, but Nurse suggested that we probably won't get any updates (if any at all) until Friday. I hope this works and we get some blasts to transfer. I'll go in for acupuncture on Friday evening, and Teri has agreed to see me again on Saturday following the transfer. I need to start listening to my IVF/FET relaxation meditations immediately.

Please let this work.