Wednesday, January 20, 2010

What next?

The second beta was officially negative. Given that the first was only 13,I wonder if that couldn't have been the hCG booster I took after the transfer? I suppose it's possible. I guess that will improve RE's stats, but it sure doesn't help make ARB a big sister.

At the moment, we are thinking that we will move right into another fresh cycle and hope that this time it works. We are so fortunate that ARB hung on tight and we have the sweetest little girl. She melts my heart and makes it impossible to stay sad. Monday evening, as we sat on the floor together, she hugged me dozens of times. Later when MTB came home early, she actually took her first real steps. She is amazing and she is the reason that I am able to process this loss so quickly.

Last night as I lay in bed, I remembered the day that we found out our first baby had died. I remember feeling numb and in a complete daze the rest of the day. MTB made me leave the house in the afternoon and we went to feed the ducks at the lake. I remember feeling as if I were looking at a shell of myself - no real life - just hollow. Would I rather this baby hang on for 10 weeks before deciding it's genetic material wasn't sufficient? No way. Am I glad I know today that this baby wasn't viable. I think so. Does that make me a bad person?